Dr. Becky Kennedy, psychologist and author of the best-selling parenting book Good Inside, names the ability to repair after disconnection the single most important parenting strategy. So what is ‘repair’ and why is it so important?
We all make mistakes, lose our cool, and say or do things we wish we hadn’t. Perfection isn't a realistic expectation for anyone, including parents! You can be a good parent and get angry. You can be a good parent and forget something. But we can also all intentionally reconnect with our kids, and help them feel safety in the relationship after disconnection.
Children and teens are often very understanding and forgiving when we can take accountability for our words and actions, especially if there is a track record of them feeling seen, noticed and valued in the relationship.
By making steps toward repair, we model taking responsibility for our actions and reactions for our children. When we regularly repair with our kids, it helps them to feel less alone, overwhelmed and confused, and more secure, grounded and connected. “Layering on support after criticism, softness after yelling and understanding after misunderstanding helps transform any messages our kids have internalized that they’re alone or bad inside,” says Dr. Becky Kennedy.
The first step is to apologize. Rather than giving rationalizations for why you did what you did, reflect back what happened to your child and tell them what you wish you had done differently. Next, talk to them about how you plan to handle similar situations in the future. Repair work should open up, rather than shut down conversation. It might feel difficult to talk about our moments of disconnection, but in the end our relationship will be strengthened because we are willing to go there.
So take a big breath in, and a big exhale, and give yourself some grace. You don't have to be perfect to be a good parent. In fact, part of being a good parent is owning our lapses and taking steps toward repairing those disconnections with our kiddos.